Speed undercover -- Spaetzle The Jetta!

"What sets apart Rice-Boys from normal performance enthusiasts is that they are more concerned with the image of speed than they are about actual performance."—riceboypage.com

Is it just me or do the twentysomething males of the world have far, far too much free time on their hands? Kat and Sean had to explain the concept of "ricing" one's car—in other words, taking a car [generally Japanese, thus the nickname] that isn't really designed for speed….…and making it look like it was made for speed.

Generally without doing anything to actually make the car go faster.

Scratching your head in wonderment? Oh, yes, so was I. Until they started pointing the cars out to me, that is. Little four-cylinder cars equipped with the little hatchback wing gadget-whatchamacallits, insanely expensive (and shiny!) wheels, headlights modified to include blue strobe lights…and, most importantly, the 14"-diameter tailpipe.

After all, if you have an enormous tailpipe (or two!) and take out the muffler of your car, your car will of course go faster. Yes. Really.

Truly, though, I missed out. I mean, think about what my old Plymouth Sundance would've looked like if I'd lowered it a few inches, pimped out the tires, put a few "I'm so bad-ass" stickers on the back window, and put a wing on the hatchback! I could've pulled up to stoplights and terrorized the people next to me with the roaring sounds of …. oh, wait …. no matter how many stickers and cutesy bits I applied to my car, it still would've been an underpowered four-cylinder car.

But it would have looked like it had sharp pointy teeth, and appearances are what matter most. It would be something like giving the four unionized hamsters* that ran the car mohawks, pierced ears, and a bottle each of Bacardi 151.

Need proof? See this page.

Meanwhile, I find it hilarious that my sleek yet somewhat sedate-looking Jetta can blow past most of the cars that wish to taunt it. Call me "Speed Undercover." But, if I decide that the secret agent way just isn't working any more, got any ideas on what I could do to the darling Jetta?

An interesting question: if you 'rice' Japanese cars and 'wheat' American ones…what are you going to do with German ones? Barley them? Spaetzle them? Flugelhorn them?

I'm going with 'spaetzle' until proven otherwise.

* What? You've never heard me refer to my unionized hamsters? Think about it. Not only do you get the total lack of performance that a hamster-powered car provides, you also get the refusal to work harder/faster/longer. How it worked: the Sundance would try to go up a hill, the hamsters would file a complaint with the local Hamster Labor Office, and they would refuse to work any faster. Therefore, the car would go slower and slower as it went up the hill.

So, give 'em mohawks, some high-octane 'fuel,' and a couple of rodent body piercings. They won't go any faster, but by George they'll think they're running the most bad-ass rodent-powered car ever.

I was going somewhere with this…really, I was. Just stick with the image of the hamster-powered car and you're good to go. In comparison, the Jetta is run by some seriously steroid-enhanced German squirrels. Günter, Konrad, and Friedrich have got it all under control…

Yeah. Anyway. Good night.


-chuckle- The funny thing is, the things I'm planning for my truck might be considered ricing ... but God knows that thang ain't a-goin' no faster.

Now that I know what ricing is. . . oh my. You know, I used to have hope for humanity.

its called being a "sleeper". a car that doesnt look like much, but performs well. or has its drivetrain tweaked out so much that its ridiculous, like EIP's 600+HP GTI. It doesnt have rice stickers. only the sweet sound of the blow-off valve whistling as its Stage 4 Turbo'd 3.2L VR6 revs next to you give it away. it eats rice for breakfast. I think I might have to insure the 'cuda for the mini geek invasion... tweaked HP/displacment is nice. but nothing beats the feeling of a ton of american V8 steel rumbling up in front of you... and yes, when you step on the gas, the car DOES twist. even at idle speeds you can rock the cab... (stock springs/shocks. what can you do, its classic.) Man I love that car. I dont want to have to sell it.

Yep, your car is definitely considered a sleeper. German cars that are modified on the outside, though, are generally termed "barley." Just stick to the grain-theme.

If you are tweaking a German car, wouldn't it make more since to say it's been "hopped" up?

Actually in the rice boy workd you have two other terms for 'rice' German cars are "kraut" American cars are "wheat" So not always a plant thing. For a good example of all of these, go over to http://www.beaterz.com for full examples. Sean "Modifying my car, one grain at a time"

For your further perusal, i present my favorite car of all time. The female civic: image one, image two.

I was going to suggest "kraut" myself. :)

Actually, wouldn't that be the gay man's civic? I mean, it is in the rear... *ducks for cover*

I dunno what's worse ... the mega pipe, or what Kat said. -shakes head and walks away-

Ahhhhhhhhhhh! *pop* thanks kat. on a monday morning too. sheesh! =)

Just for the record, reducing constrictions in your exhaust will give you an extra couple of horsepower. The thing that gets me is ricers with a lowered suspension, a fat exhaust, low-profile tires on chromed mags, and RUSTED-OUT DOOR PANELS.

No, the best are the ones that have the really sweet soundsystem in a car that isn't worth a tenth of the cost of the soundsystem.

HEY! There's NOTHING wrong with that! :)

I love riced out cars...because I just drive over the top of them.

yeah, but brad... reducing exhaust pressure takes slightly more than increasing the tip size... reduced exhaust pressure means something like a custom mandrel bent 1024 stainless header system (drool) and straight through pipes, no catalytic converters and a glasspack muffler (if any at all). sticking a crap chrome tip on your tailpipe is going to give you about as much of a HP boost as a couple of fuzzy dice...

Hey! What's wrong with fuzzy dice? I've got a couple pair of leopard spotted fuzzy dice...

nothin! fuzzy dice are a MUCH more werthwhile mod than a stupid exhaust tip or a vtec sticker... fuzzy dice AND the playboy car freshener.. THAT is just pure gold.

I chose to pass on the playboy car freshener, but I do love my fuzzy dice. They make whatever car I'm in my own.

You all would just love Tampa. This is the Rice Capitol of the US. Trust me on this. *shakes head*

Heh. Oddly enough, I'll be in Tampa next week ... :)

Hey, I have Sundance! There is absolutely nothing wrong with "PIMPING IT OUT". I know it is a piece of crap 4-cylinder. But, there is no harm done in making look good. It is the same thing if you pimped out a Cadalliac Escalade. It would still be an escalade. Even though you dumped hundreds of dollars to pimp it out. So why don't you shut, up about all the "RICE BOY'S" and start making your "piece" look good.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Every now and then, someone stumbles onto this site and manages to (unintentionally) make my point better than even I could. Spend however much you want on your Sundance, Mr. Pissed Off Sundance Owner. But then you've wasted a lot of money and done nothing but given the people pulled up next to you a good, hearty laugh. Myself included. I'll stick to sinking my money into ensuring that my actual car doesn't suck.

YO! YO! YO! What it is? Bring it Pissed Off Sundance Owner! Tell them what it is! Be proud of your ride man. I know I am. Autozone loves me. With my next check from the Burger King, I am gonna slap on a new pipe end and if I have enough left over get some swank decals. Peace and keep it real!

Sure, there's a lot to be said for having pride in your rig. But when you wreck that rig, your insurance company is going to laugh at your sorry butt.

Hey, my ride has a big plastic fin on it. And hydraulics. Alright, so it's a mountain bike with a Rattail and Rock Shox. Doesn't mean it's not pimp. =)

I think you should put a body kit on your mountain bike, brad. A mad skillz yellow yo body kit.

And a big-ass exhaust pipe. :)

Not to mention a big "Powered By Honda" sign. Even if your machine ain't PBH.