Universe 57(b), Nebula 86XVI


Having wandered over to the Beast Buy parking lot from the restaurant across the street, we were alarmed to notice the existence of your car, which is plainly against the laws of Universe 57(b), Nebula 86XVI (records of which are available at various government agencies temporarily relocated to Omicron Persei 8 due to high consumer demand).

As an intergalactic adjudicator, I am supremely impressed and appalled by your ability to subjugate the laws of this particular universe to your vehicular whims, and harbor the mounting suspicion that you are, in fact, an unregistered alien from another dimension.

We of Universe 57(b) like to think of your home dimension as being a universe filled with needless pain and suffering; worlds in which teenagers drive clunky Porsches to school because they cannot afford the beautifully-restored antique Chevy Cavaliers they have longed for since they first learned how to drive. A world in which drivers of McLaren F1s forcefully pray that no Plymouth Sundance owner will drive by and splash mud upon them. (We try not to think about your dimension. It makes our pointy little canines ache.)

We do not like having you in our world, sir. You upset the balance of life on this planet, and we fear that your presence will unintentionally spread the mind-eating hondus modificus rhinovirus among the innocent and un-inoculated of this planet. (Hondus modificus is like kuru, except significantly less funny.)

Nevertheless, sir, we feel it necessary to point out to you that in our universe, it is considered neither appropriate nor acceptable to take a black Honda Civic, such as this charming specimen, and ruin a perfectly-acceptable stock car by splattering it with excessive decals and cheap-looking wheels in the same color:


From previous emissaries, we now understand that beings from your dimension frown upon traveling in any vehicle that is only capable of sub-light speeds. We believe this is the correct explanation for your choice of corresponding red wheel rims. We understand that, in your world, you have centuries of customs that dictate that sub-light-speed travel is a karmic punishment for impregnating one's secretary, but we cannot stress to you enough the impropriety of your choices in your current nebula of choice.


For the sake of civility in international relations, please be advised of the following additional vehicular infractions:

  • frontFlickr windshieldFlickr Fog lamps and commercial windshield advertisements were outlawed in the 3581st session of the Pan-Galactic Congress. (To learn more about this recent regulation change, please consult information regarding edict #437.6e^7, section XXV, subsection 6(e).)
  • wingFlickr bolt_holesFlickr Total length or width of bolted-on wing is not to exceed the current width of the vehicle, and evidence of previous bolt-on wing usage is not to be left unrepaired for more than 30 nebula solar cycles.

Wing amputation by unlicensed professionals may lead to trunk leakage, mold infestation, minor cases of herpes, or (in severe cases only) brain death. We recommend that all wing amputations and grafts be performed by licensed professionals, who, as part of their work, will repair any potential body damage that may occur.

Failure to comply with the existing laws of your current nebula will result in either a scheduled nebular deportation or immediate discorporation of your current physical body, to be determined by an intergalactic judge after a hearing.

We understand that you have many choices when choosing the universe and nebula you wish to spend your corporeal life in, and thank you for choosing Universe 57(b), Nebula 86XVI. Have a pleasant solar cycle.


Earth Emissary #2613-58b-2216(c)

(Certificate of Global Spokesmanship available upon request)


Sean, have you ever thought about us ricing out the Fiat and giving it to say, oh, Jackie to drive by Amy's house? She'd freak, post photos here, and we'd have a mighty good laugh ... Geof (could see that ... and Kat killing us ...)

Aww c'mon he had no more than the standard Rice fare.. Spoiler, Fog Lamps, and excessive Speed enhancing stickers... ;) That spoiler was huge and he didn't even care to repair such a pristine example of Rice Boy Vehicle. Oh well.

*laugh* Well, yeah, he WAS pretty typical....but c'mon, the Girl power cars are going to be pretty rare, and who else am I going to sharpen my claws on in the meantime?

LMAO! That wing needs to be a little wider so it can help with the lift of the car. The flames actually come from the enhanced speed - you see the car was originally red, then painted black & now the paint's peeling off....

does the "b" in 57(b) stand for "beta"? are we in a development universe? that would explain all the holes...

You should just be content knowing you have not yet had the displeasure of coming across a Soy Boy? racer. Think rice with a grittier texture and an even worse aftertaste, and you will only have scratched the surface of the horrific nature of the soy burners from Ralpha Cenbarfi...

Sorry for the blatantly worthless post, but that "?" in my last comment should actually have been displayed as a Unicode (TM) symbol. Sorry for the confusion!