Vote early, vote often

On this Election Day I come to you out of sorrow, fear, and this growing urge to register nothing but a protest vote. Geof has reminded me that I can choose to not vote on whichever races I don't feel are worthy of my vote, and suddenly my ballot begins to take on worlds of new sarcastic meaning.

Dear Friends,

On this Election Day I come to you out of sorrow, fear, and this growing urge to register nothing but a protest vote. Geof has reminded me that I can choose to not vote on whichever races I don't feel are worthy of my vote, and suddenly my ballot begins to take on worlds of new sarcastic meaning.

I've given most of the Alabama races approximately 0.25 seconds of conscious thought (the 6.5 seconds of unconscious thought, by law, do not count this year) and have come to the conclusion that absolutely none of them matter a damn to me. Most of them are thoroughly unoriginal. Issues like… capital-city bloat. Making sure Jenny and Johnnie Doe get their state-funded educations without actually requiring their parents to pay taxes. Lotteries. State constitutions. Zoning laws. All the nonexistent tax money for OUR district and none for anyone else!

I've got three words for you: blah, blah, blah. (Second place went to "who frickin' cares," - must've been that pesky protest vote showing up again)

I want to know about real issues. The ones that really matter, not this money/taxation/education crap.

I want to know which of the candidates supports my constitutionally-guaranteed right to eat babies.

Not only that, I want to sleep well tonight knowing that the representative I vote for will uphold Alabama's constitutional ban on the import and sale of cantaloupe.

Why cantaloupe? Cantaloupe are nasty, evil, dastardly fruits. They must be stopped! I cannot understand why people continue to prattle on about such unimportant crap as education and taxes when the very root of all evil can be found in every grocery store in northeast Alabama! How are we supposed to protect our beautiful, innocent*, God-fearing children from the vile, corrupting evil that is cantaloupe?

The fact that the politicians gunning for my vote are obsessed with such minutiae depresses me greatly. Consider the vast sea of four-color, full-bleed flyers I have had to rescue my actual mail from during the past two weeks:

  1. Protect Alabama Conservative Values [or die like the heathen scum you are]
  2. The Republican Party of Alabama, a non-profit organization [thankfully mud-slinging isn't a for-profit occupation] thinks that Don Siegelman, the current governor, sucks. Parts one and two of a seemingly endless series.
  3. Mr. Fargerson made the assumption that I'm all about those conservative Alabama values [he obviously forgot to check with me]

However, in the grand Bush tradition of leaving no children, adults, pets, or idiot slogans behind, I present what is, quite possibly, the dumbest and most irritating ad I've received in my mail this year. This was the ad that got me started saving the ads for today's rant.

I present to you a letter written by Mrs. Sandra Fargerson. "Hand-written," in the best tradition of "hand-written" postscripts on Publishers' Clearing House sweepstakes entries. You may see the letter in its entirety here: page 1 page 2

In the interest of responding in kind, I present my response.

You will now have to excuse me. It's time for me to go vote. Must remember to put my steel-toeds on first. It's awful deep out there.

* Innocence guaranteed until onset of public-school sex education. After that, the little heathens are on their own.

Fear™ to be made mandatory when the new Alabama constitution takes effect.

Void and prohibited if you are not allowed to own or carry a gun. (this prohibition no longer legal in Alabama as of 1885)


/me gives Amy a big thumbs up

Unbelievable. How can you in good conscience support the separation of church and state? Dammit, if my kids (well, OK, not MY's kids) can't pray in school, then how can they remain pure against state-sponsored moral turpitude like sex education and evolution? You liberals make me sick. Next you're going to suggest something even sillier like letting women vote (or run bitchy websites).

For reference: Conservative Alabama Values Turning the firehoses on uppity Negroes Hangings and lynchings at will Packing heat Altar boy molestation Minority hunting sprees Bible first, Constitution second Kitten punting Clinic bombing Remember: peoples is like laundry - keep the whites and colors separate

I don't know who this "conservative Alabama values" dreck irritates more: those who certainly don't believe in them, or people like me who are more closely aligned theologically but really resent religion being used in politics ... ;)

I can't say that I have experienced any 'conservative Alabama' commercials, but out here in AZ, all we have heard about is tribal gaming. There are THREE propositions to expand casinos on Indian/Racetrack land and all THREE feel it is necessary to point out the finer points of the other....lots of 'dirt-slinging' going on here --- (I would say mud-slinging, but that implies there is actually water! ;)

PS - I voted early so I wouldn't have to wade to the polls....

Smart move, Kara! I think you guys are doing what's known as "dust-slinging." You'd think that dust wouldn't weigh as much as mud, but thinking actually isn't allowed on election day anyhow.

It's all about "but I think I'm going to ridicule his campaign on my website, as well."

I shall do nothing more than hold my words. I don't want to let the Right Reverend Oompa Loompa out of his cage.

Come on, Rev! We all want a laugh!

I have been told in NO UNCERTAIN terms that the Right Reverend is only allowed out of the depths of my psyche 5 days a year and those all happen to fall during Dragon*Con. In any other climate/setting the release of the RR might just ensure the end of the world as we know it. And Ames told me that if I started spewing forth the evilness on her webpage she would remove my brains through my ear with a pixie stick straw. Just wait for the opening of Bwahahahah