I'm a $29 oil painting!

Let us consider the conundrum of yahoo user readyfornew2, consider it seriously as a single example of a greater sociological problem:

I'm talking about idiocy, of course. Bloody pandemic, really.

Avoid the friction burn! (not worksafe)

Take the bait, baby. No, bite a little deeper, honey; sink that hook allllllllllll the way in. Yes, show me your pustulent little orifice. I don't have all night, and I want to get back to my knitting.

my PENOS very beautiful

Every now and then, I get a random IM'er whose attempts at … conversation … are so random that I just can't come up with anything funnier to say than what s/he said to me in the first place.Hey, why are you laughing? I'm serious here!

Tonight's winner is compiled over three days of conversations. I ignored him the first two times but the third time, I just couldn't resist testing the waters to see if this was a bot. I think it was. Or a 2 Live Crew song gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Read on:

[01:58] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: this is your picture

Sugar, you feeling playful

For the love of all things holy, someone track down this man and shoot him. I mean, really, people. Think mangy dog here. Take him out to the back where the kids can't see him and shoot him. Put him out of his misery. What kind of life is this guy leading anyway?

because some random guy says it over IM, it must be true

Today's winner, and potential cause of my headache, is windsor_king on Yahoo. Do, please, everyone in Huntsville feel free to say hello, as he seems to insist that he's going to be visiting Huntsville in July.

I have my doubts.

Which word needs a definition?

While we're at it, let's go for two in one day! Yahoo user aces_allnight14, a strong studly specimen hailing from Birmingham, Alabama, appears to be so absolutely desperate to get laid that he's trolling for nethoneys…and found (you guessed it!) me.

Tact, honey. It's about tact. Heard of it? It's that non-negotiable part between meeting a woman and clubbing her over the head for sex. Some people refer to it as "small talk." I like to think of it as an occasionally-useful part of the pre-coital process.