I think this process will get easier as time goes on. Right now, it's still nowhere near that. Of all the conversations I've had in the past month, the one I've referred back to the most in my mind has been Karen's. She mentioned something that no one else brought up, something that has been truer than I expected at the time. The decision to go requires a mourning period. You're either going to do it after you've left, when the newness hits you all at once, or you're going to do it before you leave. I've come back to the same phrase, over and over again, and I've discovered that it suits both the good and the bad aspects:

"...and this is what I leave behind."

Last night it was said to myself in a melancholy context, as I looked around the bar table at the friends who had gathered to hear Jeremy's band play. We ordered drinks and bar food and commented on the ickiness of one of the dancers, and the thought of not having easy access to these friends just cut and cut and cut at me. This is what I leave behind: Wendy and Sheila and Chris and Jason and Jeremy and Remy and Hallie. Friendships that took years to build, with people whom I might not see all that often but who could be counted on whenever the situation warranted. Tonight it was said in a different context, as I simmered tapioca on the stove while waiting on laundry. I wanted bubble tea, and to my knowledge, there is no place to get bubble tea in Huntsville. This is what I leave behind: a city, a state, a region that doesn't quite suit. It fit, barely, a few years back, and I judge it now not as a bad place in and of itself, but as a place that is not right for me. Letting go will happen in all kinds of metaphorical ways: fits and starts, comes and goes, piecemeals and slapdashes. What we have now is transition time; we have made the decision that we are going to end up somewhere, and have a pretty strong feeling that we know where we're going, but few concrete decisions can be made until this summer. This summer brings the next trip out west, the trip where Jeff will go out to see how he feels about the Seattle area. Right now, I don't think either of us have managed to find a reason that Seattle won't work, but we need to move deliberately, not hastily; we will hold off on making concrete plans until after that trip. Until then? Wary, thoughtful readiness. There are more questions than answers. What do we do to the house? What are the businesses we'll need to contact to update our addresses? How do we transport the cats? Those questions won't find answers tonight, but the tapioca's ready, and I can make bubble tea now. One problem at a time, I suppose.