Audrey Hepburn is still dead

Yes, ladies and gentlemen! You might be surprised to learn that, while you're standing there, yapping loudly into your cell phone while filling up your gas tank, the person sitting in the next car can hear what you're saying…

Before we go any further, let me tell you something, you wanna-be darlings of the fashion world: unless your name is Audrey Hepburn, you do not look good in capri pants. I do not care what you look like, who did your plastic surgery, or what company your grandfather founded. Unless you are Audrey Hepburn, yes, you look terrible in capri pants. On principle.

In fact, let me amend that statement. Even if you are Audrey Hepburn, you do not look good in capri pants, because you are dead and have been so for quite some time now, and this whole hopping-out-of-the-grave-and-dancing-around bit really needs to be kept to the better Buffy episodes, mmmmkay?

As I was sitting in the passenger seat of my soon-to-be-ex-car (more on that next week), Jeff was blithely filling up the gas tank while I sat, still and ornamental as usual, waiting for him to finish up. Since Sundances have gas tanks on the passenger side, I was on the side of (and just past the) gas pump.

To my right, a nice car pulled up—you know the kind of car you buy when you're pushing 40 and are trying to balance your urge to be respectable with your dreams of your lost youth? Large, room for multiple children, and more horsepower than anyone can legally justify. You get the idea.

A rather nice, but harried-looking, brunette hopped out of the car and started filling her gas tank. Within fifteen seconds, she was diving for the phone like it was a lifeline and dialing a friend's number.

She was, evidently, on her way home from clothes shopping. "Hi! It's Diane. How are you?"

(a momentary burst of silence)

"Well, listen. I know that you've got just the best fashion sense ever, and I wasn't able to call you while I was in the store, so I wanted to ask you about something I found."

At this point she rattles off some nice, respectable-sounding clothing. Honestly, it's a boring conversation, and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm better off actually minding my own business instead of just pretending to, but then she says the words that should strike fear into the hearts of us all:

"While I was there, I was just trying some stuff on, and I found these lime green capri pants. They were the right size, but I just hesitated. I wanted to ask you what you thought."

More silence.

At which point, I wanted to reach over and strangle this woman on principle. I can only hope that the woman on the other end of this cell-phone conversation was loudly yelling the only appropriate answer to this question:

"No! For the love of God, anything but that! This is for your own good! There is no occasion, ever, for a woman to own a pair of capri pants, much less a pair of lime green ones!"

But apparently the woman on the other end of the line was not quite so considerate of the rest of the world's sighted population, and apparently chose to answer in the affirmative. Moments later, our Diane said, "Well, I also found this pair of plaid capri pants in my size…"

I really should have gotten out of the car. Not to tell her what was wrong—no, in this day and age, that virtually guarantees either a gunshot or a sexual harassment lawsuit—but to find out where in the world this woman shopped for clothes, so that I could never, ever shop there.

I tilted my head out the passenger window an inch or two and whispered to Jeff, "I gotta tell you something when you get in the car…"

He looked at me and cocked his head in the direction of the woman and mouthed, "Conversation?" I nodded.

Lime green. I can't figure out what terrifies me more—the fact that someone actually thought of buying these pants, or the fact that some clothing manufacturer had the complete and utter lapse of taste (and sense!) that made them think that such an article of clothing could possibly look good on any woman.

After all, the last time I checked, Audrey Hepburn is still dead. Has been since '93. Until someone figures out how to resurrect her (in which case Audrey Tautou is out of a job), there's nobody left on this planet that looks good in capri pants.



[23:40] Danno: I think you got the heart of the problem: There's some "fashion" designer out there who thinks that lime green capris are a good idea and at least one other person had to agree with him/her. [23:41] Amy: exactly! what were these people thinking? [23:43] Danno: I got it! It's all a Job-esque bet! "Americans are STUPID! They'll buy anything!" "Bullshit. Americans will not buy anything." "Okay, wiseass. A month's salary says I can turn ANY garment you can name into a trend." "Anything I can name?" "Yep." "You're on. Capri pants." "Fuck. Okay, no, I can do this... does Dave still have that contract with Old Navy? What's his cell number?"

Here is something worse than lime green ones AND plaid ones: white, stretchy, plus-sized ones. Somethings are not meant to be plus-sized...capris are at the top of the list.

Those rank right up there with Speedos, in my opinion. Of course, my personal opinion is that unless you're a member of the Australian men's Olympic swim team, you should be prohibited by law from wearing a Speedo in the presence of any sighted individual. Maybe they should just be outlawed, period.

having never had the experience of wearing capri pants, I can only theorize their attractive framing of my tattoos and my rather large calves...not to mention my hairy legs to boot...and have to say that orange would be my color rather then lime green. Though, I think acid lime green might work. ;)

don't forget about the Swedish men's bikini team. They're allowed to wear Speedo's, too. (Was this only a joke at my school? I've cracked it a couple times before and people have looked at me weird)

Okay, so how about the Australian swim team and the Swedish men's bikini team? Can they wear these pants of evil?

Swedish men's bikini team? Never heard of them. I'd have to see some pictures before agreeing to them in Speedos. Andy: no, of course not! The only thing more frightening than a woman in pedal-pushers is....well....a man in pedal-pushers.

mmmmmmm hot pants........ mmmmmmm daisy dukes.........

Kat, I'm afraid you lost me on the Swedish men's bikini team thing. The joke refuses to reveal itself to me.

Okay, the joke is the fact that you have a perpetually cold country (the water temp literally rarely if ever gets above the 40s, I'll vouch, I've been there in the middle of the summer). A bikini team in a cold country like that? The possibilities are slim to none. It's sarcasm.

Also it had something to do with those "Swedish Bikini Teams" that were popular in Budweiser ads a while (a long while) back. Of course, in the Bud ads, they were all women, so the idea of a *male* Swedish Bikini Team is kinda campy and makes fun of the whole Budweiser "Attractive women love drunks. Really." ethos.

Hey, that would be some awesome tit-for-tat advertising. Since most American men will buy beer if it's advertised by large-breasted women...perhaps we could turn this around and suggest that American women would buy our happy froofy little chick drinks if the commercials have men in... Wait. No, we wouldn't. Scratch that thought.

Okay! I admit it! i own a pair of capri pants. However, they are neither lime green nor plaid. They are khaki. They are also plus-sized. However, I've lost a considerable amount of weight since last year and I most likely won't be wearing them. I tried them on a few days ago and they fell to the floor. hurrah. But I still like capris! if they're the right kind of fabric, they're very nice if it's evil and hot and you can't wear shorts at work. I'll probably purchase another pair again! MUAHHAHAHA. now, why won't someone discuss those damned "hottie" T-shirts and cargo pants? Pants need five pockets at the most. Two in back and three in front (the two main ones and the teeny one on the left that will hold a key, an OB, or a small vial of poison).

Oh, no, cargo pants are good for things like PDAs, notepads, etc etc etc. Think of them as a utility belt for geeks. I used to have enough gadgets to warrant cargo pants, but when I loaded them to full capacity, it took every fiber of my belt's being to keep me decently exposed.

Yeah, I'm all for cargo pants. I have a pair of knit ones that I wear to the gym - the cargo pocket is great for holding a CD player. Andy and I were wondering when "harlot" became a fashion trend amongst female teenagers. There are three girls that walk around our neighborhood (in the middle of the street, no less, but that's another story), and they continually wear very little. I'll admit I have the Torture Shirt, but at least I have the breasts to wear it!

Gah... If I see one more snotty teenage girl wearing a 'Porn Star' tee shirt...I am going to fling her into the nearest wall.

Cargo pants rule the world. So do cargo shorts. I busted my pair of Eddie Bauer cargo shorts last year, and I damn near cried.

Cargo pants are da BOMB. I dont own any jeans (since the departing of my favourite Diesel: Painters jeans avec custom canadian flag patch that I slapped on a particularly nasty rip in the left butt cheek). i go from dhress pants to a pair og khaki dockers and old nave casuals straight to 1984 cargo's, zip off bluenote cargos and a host of others and then track pants, and a pair of b&W plaid Joe Boxer flannel PJ's. thats it. no speedos either darnit. and the Swedish bikini team DOEs exist, they are all buxom blonde women, and when i get my 80' yacht, they will keep in shape by doing laps of the deck, topless. As for the Porn* thang... i want one of those shirts... maybe one that says Porn King instead... and then on the back i'm going to list all of the porn sites that i built. (yes, im serious. no i'm not in any of the pictures. sorry to dissapoint you) Hoochie pants and thong underwear on tight bodded chyks, and midriff shirts with bellybutton rings are all good. Capri pants are a sign that you are to young for me to shag, becaues you go to highschool, or are a first year artsie at uvic who spends too much of daddies money in the mall and not enough time on coursework. my personal favourite has still got to be the white dress shirt thats 3 buttons undone and practically see through, the nice victoria secret black bra and the privat school pleated plaid skirt and dark dress socks... always better after school, cause teh carefully done hair has descended to teh pony tail, which they sometimes stuff through a baseball cap (drool!) and the shirt gets untucked and undone from the bottom too to show off the belly button ring... almost always looks good enough to eat. More than once i have missed a busstop or 6 becaues of the grade 12 private school girls... =)

"There is no occasion, ever, for a woman to own a pair of capri pants"--but there is. I bought a pair of black capri pants for the purpose of tattoo conventions--in the winter it's just too cold for a skirt, but I want to show off the work on my calves. And while most capri pants are horrible--generally b/c they are lime green or flowery and pastel--I still really want a pair of Dogpile bondage capri pants. I think the teenage whore look is far more disturbing--anyone who disagrees has never seen her 13-year-old sister in booty shorts. And I'll spare you my rant about the children's sized 'eye candy' thongs.

Excuse me, but I think that you are extremely rude to make jokes about Audrey Hepburn's death. It is true that she won't hop out of her grave yes, but that doesn't mean you have to say that she'd look horrible in capri pants. I bet you look horrible in them though. I know I don't. Infact I have been whistled at walking down the street to starbucks wearing denim capris paired with some heels and a tank AND oversized Audrey Hepburn sunglasses thank you very much. So I suggest you save telling women they look butt ugly for your bathroom mirror.