Summertime stupids

Some recent finds from the joys of the interweb:

#1: What Planet Is This?

From this article from the Sun-Sentinel (italics are mine):

Gym rules

In the world of the gym, there are rules. Rules, I say!


It's unfortunate that ants won't die if you just swear at them. After yesterday's scrubfest, I have airtight scientific proof of this fact. While ants will die if you spray them with orange-scented cleanser (is it the fact that it's a cleanser or that it's orangey that does the killing, I wonder?) and swear at them, swearing alone does not seem to do the trick.Ants are difficult to squish.

Zero to you both

With twenty minutes left to go on the elliptical machine this morning, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was time for us to purchase a new mp3 player. Our current one, bought for $30 off of Heather some time ago, has developed the electrical equipment of Alzheimer's; it no longer remembers that it's supposed to play mp3s as well as audio CDs, and only plays audio CDs when it gets up on the right side of the bed that morning.


We set out on a Saturday afternoon to conquer the wilds of the furniture stores, a few days after Misty and I had performed our scouting mission for sectionals. I consider furniture shopping an occasional, horrific necessity, similar in scope and pain threshold to car shopping.

Do not mistake me: like the purchase of my car two years ago, I will celebrate the purchase of this sectional once it is completed. We are both looking forward to the furniture shuffling that will take place once the purchase is made, but the process....Well, the process of getting there, I could really and truly do without. Okay, perhaps not the entire process, but I think I'd be happier if I were at least allowed to superficially wound the furniture salesmen that annoy me.

Posterior factual extraction

You know, it'd be kinda nice to be able to do some kind of food/nutritional reading on the web without hearing about that damned Atkins Diet all the time. It would really make my reading and research a bit easier, when sometimes all I want to know is the approximate calorie/nutrient breakdowns for some foods and instead I get 46,582 versions of

"I Lost 243 Pounds In Seven Minutes With The Atkins Diet!"

God. Shut up already before I deck all of you. (I've earned these new biceps. Don't taunt them. They hit back.)

In my research, my studying, and through the occasional posterior factual extraction, I have come up with a radical new idea, which I plan to patent and sell to the world:

"Burn more calories than you eat and you'll lose weight."