Speed bumps and slow raccoons

When Viet Huong opened in Huntsville, we celebrated: at last, Eastern food that wasn't a) Thai or b) buffet Chinese (which, we might add, has the approximate China Content of a porcelain teacup made in Mexico). Therefore, we visited, and we ate.

We weren't the only ones. The ricers showed up too, as they are wont to do, driving around and doing their business and unwittingly provoking howls of laughter among the rest of us who have far better things to spend our money on.

It boggles my mind, really. Haven't something like three-point-five million economic forecasters decided that we're in a recession? Someone (strongly resembling me) might be fooled into thinking that silly things like economic recessions might make people spend less money on tricking out their lame cars, but it seems that I am either grossly mistaken or have no sense of the true priorities in life.When we pulled up at Viet Huong for a nice lunch, I was squeaking and pointing at this tricked-out blue Civic. It, better than any other car I have ever seen, epitomizes the lofty ideal: you can never have too many body kits. Kits on the front ... kits on the side ... kits on the back:

front_kitFlickr driver_sideFlickr backFlickr

The wing, you see, is really necessary. In addition to making the car go faster than the speed of sound, these body kits have the unfortunate side effect of causing the car to float slightly above ground. In order to maintain contact with the road, the owner needs to do everything he can to force the car to actually roll along the ground.


The front is actually a bit dull; nothing but replacement headlights (oh, for a photo of the Civic with hood of blue flames that I saw today!). Performance gain: six horsepower.

But...wait. Let's look at the back of the car again. Yeah, at the tailpipes. Hey. Wait a second. Is that....


Yes, ladies and gentlegerms, behind the front and back body kits we have the 100% ricer classic that is spray-painted chicken wire. Look at it and weep for your poor stock cars that know not the beauty and speed that could be yours if you only had spray-painted chicken wire on your car. (performance gain 25 horsepower)


In addition, we have special tires:


While I'm shocked and appalled that he didn't use the extra spray paint (left over from painting the chicken wire) to spray-paint the wheels, I suppose white will just have to do. These aren't just any wheels, though—they're the extra-special rated R wheels:


I wonder what the 'R' stands for? Speculation from the peanut gallery? Bueller? Bueller?

Now, now, don't get snarky. I have to point out that this guy is truly devoted to speed; he has realized that to have a truly performance-oriented car, a car owner must go further than just the standard taillights, wing, body kits, and chicken wire. Few things provide more of a performance boost than replacing the slow, pokey dashboard with a faster, sleeker model (performance gain: 3 horsepower) and all-cow interior dyed to match the paintjob (performance gain: 16 horsepower).

dashboardFlickr seatsFlickr

After staring at this car, stifling giggles, and madly snapping photos, I have only one question. Go back to the driver side photo of the car and ask yourself the question that Stephen's father asked me:

"What does this guy do about roadkill?"


Think about it. We're looking at a ground clearance of what, about 0.08 microns? The only two things that could kill this car (aside from a Ford Expedition, marauding plastic-eating bacteria, and a spiked baseball bat, but that's another entry) are speed bumps and slow raccoons. The only way this car is going to make it over a speed bump between now and eternity is if that wing has a Temporary Eject button.

(Release the wing, and—remember—the car will magically float a few inches off the ground. Bad for traction, great for ground clearance.)

Otherwise, what you've got is a really expensive and really useless teeter-totter.

As for those slow raccoons, can you imagine this guy calling up his insurance agent and explaining that he needs an insurance check to repair his car because the raccoon he hit last night screwed up fourteen body kits?

Oh, well. It's the price you must pay to be cool.


"I wonder what the 'R' stands for? Speculation from the peanut gallery? Bueller? Bueller?" Ricer. DUH.

I was thinking "Really Lame," but that would be RL.

R stands for "rad"

"The only way this car is going to make it over a speed bump between now and eternity is if that wing has a Temporary Eject button." If I could howl with laughter at work I'd be doing so with this one phrase alone. One day I'll get my own digital camera & send Amy pics of some ricers from ATL

Ames, I'm thinking you need to make a list of how much extra horsepower each separate "fix" to the car a ricer gives their car. Then, for every post, you could total it up and determine how much "extra" horsepower they've given their car by ricing it out. It would be quite amusing.

everyone with a honda wishes it was a Type R...even people without hondas (yes, I've seen everything from nissans to chevy's with a Type-R indication of some sort) Type-R is the Race model honda uses in Road Racing - The only one that's made it to America however, is the integra type r - a rare treat to actually see a real one, although the number of TYPE-R stickers/badges/etc you see around might confuse you...this has unfortunately tarnished the true coolness of the real type-r's. (side note: a sharp eye can spot a real itr by looking for the 5 lug wheels, no side molding, red acura badges, type-r embroidered seats and optional floormats, and the special slightly-square-cornered spoiler). These are not comfortable cars - no a/c, etc. - but have hand-built engines and perform insanely well in the twisties. anyways, Ricers are a sad sight to see - goddamn that rob cohen and his Fast and the Furious. But I've come to the conclusion that if that's what they want to waste their money on, so be it. I dont drive a ferrari or anything like that, but I also know what's worth doing to a car (for actual possibly performance gains) and what's not (things that only another ricer would actually like). whoops..sorry...just supposed to leave a comment, not a rant :-)

oh - forgot to add the link to Rice Cop: http://www.ricecop.com/

Craig, that's ok - the ranting doesn't bother me a bit. Quite fun actually :) I agree that it's an unbelievably silly thing to spend money on. I look at these cars and imagine how differently I'd use the money that they're tossing around (we have this funny thing called a 'mortgage' that I suspect most of these people don't have). I should also mention that the night that The Fast And The Furious 2 comes out, I'm taking friends and going rice-chasing around the movie theatre. I really should post the backlog of ricers that I've got on my hard drive...

sounds like fun - just be careful. I saw a LOT of accidents from stupid 16 year olds who took daddy's new audi to see the Fast and the Furious with their girlfriends and didn't quite snap back to reality after the movie was over. then there was the kid in autozone - his girlfriend pointed out some steering wheel cover to him, and he replied with a "psh - I dont need that sh** - I RACE". yes...the sky blue 89 cavalier with sheet-metal 2 foot high wing is quite the competitor on the track I hear...

Oh that Ricecop link is GREAT! I love the ticket books!!! "The above committed the following offense(s) contrary to respectable automobile modification & maintenance." Check boxes for: Excessively large exhaust tip; oversized & pointless wing; Double-wing; "Racing" stripe(s); Outrageous body kit; Ridiculous stickers on vehicle exterior; Japanese characters on vehicle exterior; Absurd windshield/rear window banner(s); Ridiculous paint job; Replacement of wipers with a single wiper; Clear tail lights; large head light/tail light covers; Type-R sticker on a car not so equipped; vehicle is improperly lowered; excessive chrome trim on vehicle exterior; tacky neon lighting; vehicle is parked crooked. "Failure to respond to the violations as charged shall be considered an admission of guilt and many judgments shall be made against you in the name of bad taste."

I'm waiting for someone to make a bumper sticker that states simply: "Got Rice?" I would honestly buy atleast three dozen of these and slap one on each ricer I see in my small town back home and then the ghetto ricers I see in Philadelphia every day. There is nothing more fun than mocking the rice. Though you do have to becareful...some of the cars can actually go. Most though...are trash.

http://www.stickershop.ca/store?Function=Listing&Category=5 has Got Rice? stickers :-)

Hi How are you me Amber

murah, me caveman, me speak to amber. sentences good, pronouns bad.

I'm looking for Jimmy or Thanh. If who know where they are or the phone number to giving me, I'll pay. Jimmy & Thanh own the Viet Huong